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There has been much blather among the Imaginary Friends lately about ways in which each of us is somewhat Amish. I, for example, didn’t own a television for about 18 years, and the one I have now is a movie-watching machine only. Hell, I didn’t own an iPAWD until last year and was similarly late to the computer party. I still write by hand, because I didn’t learn to write on a computer. Or even a typewriter. So part of my Neo-Amishness stems from the age and way in which I grew up, I suppose. Neither of my parents were ever particularly interested in new technology. In fact, my dad died owning a rotary phone and never having owned (or to my knowledge used) a computer. And if you know anything about what he did for a living and some of the things he designed, that’s as much testament to his smarts as anything else. But, I digress…

It is an embarrassing fact of my past that there was a time in my life, around age 12, when I decided I wanted to be Amish. I had read THIS BOOK, procured from some Sch0l@stic flyer and was so enamored of the tales of frocks and aprons and bonnets that I decided I must, simply must I tell you, join an Amish community. Modern life was so evil and so bad…surely I was made to live more simply. I informed my parents of this desire and after my mom dryly expressed doubt that her free-willed child could, say, sit still on a backless bench in a barn for hours of church services every week, they said, “Hey, go for it.” My mom had a Mennonite co-worker and through him she arranged for me to spend a long weekend with a Mennonite family in Indiana. Not quite the same, but the closest I was gonna get without running away to Pennsylvania and learning German. (This may sound ridiculously indulgent but my parents, I think, cruelly liked to amuse themselves by watching their kids learn things the hard way.) Anyhow…one long weekend of hard work and yes, an almost-unbearably long church service and I was cured of that notion. The worst part of the entire weekend was the silence. These were quiet people. And I am loud. Best part: eating the pie I’d helped make. So yeah, no conversion for me.

And aren’t you glad, America? Because if I had converted, there would be no internet for me and no hilarious fun-filled reading for you. RIGHT? RIGHT?!
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This week, my grief has apparently taken the form of eating every bit of sugar and carbohydrate I can get my hands on. I think I reached the saturation point last night though and today I am back on the healthy eating train. *burp*
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Younger charge has been quite bent out of shape this week and older charge has been waxing philosophical on all sorts of topics, so it’s been an interesting few days. A couple of days ago, I let younger charge have a piece of Halloween candy. To wit:

Me: W., what do you want? There’s Milky Way, M & M’s, and Twix.

YC: Twix.
(I give it to him, he eats it.)

YC: Where is my other Twik?

Me: Twix is just one piece, W. Just one is called a Twix.

YC: NO YOU SAID TWIX. THAT MEANS TWO! ONE IS JUST A TWIK!!!
(Meltdown ensued.)
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Yesterday, older charge and I were talking about a number of things and our conversation somehow turned to positive/negative attitudes. I was trying to explain to him the “glass half-full” metaphor and I finally, filled a glass half way with water, then explained again how a pessimistic view would be that half the water is gone, an optimistic view would be that you still have half a glass of water. He said, “I’m a half-full person.” I told him I am, too. (Although just between you and me, internet, it’s been tough to maintain that attitude lately.) He is generally a very confident and cheerful kid, so I was happy to see that HE sees himself that way. I also wanted to temper the optimism message so that he knows that no one is cheerful all the time and that it’s okay not to like it when bad things happen, etc. He said, “I know. But I’m still mostly cheerful.” And that’s okay, too, T. (And frankly, given the year that family’s had, heartening to hear.)
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What else…things are progressing on Little Bro’s estate. More quickly and definitively than even our attorney expected it to, I think. The bad man is making huge concessions, possibly in the hope that it may mitigate things for him once this other lawsuit (not generated by us) comes crashing down on him. To which I say good luck, jerk. Your track record more than speaks for itself and any judge or jury with half a brain (and yes, I realize that may be expecting a lot) will put you out of business for good. HA.HA.

My mom is doing okay under the circumstances but not great. I am praying that the estate business is handled swiftly so that she can get some closure on that count. Mystery Bro. is going to stay with her this weekend and I am trying to plan another trip up there between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Her birthday is in early December, so I think I’ll try to get up there that weekend, or have her come down here.
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That’s about it from Lass world, internet. Late-tra.
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Random memory that popped into my head while I was drying my hair this morning:

We moved to the Chicago area from Los Angeles when I was ten. In L.A., I was an enthusiastic Girl Scout – my troop was run by my mom and two of her energetic, athletic friends. We did a lot of camping trips and outdoor activities. I loved it.

Shortly after we moved, my mom enrolled me in a troop in our Chicago suburb. I think she chose this particular troop because it was held close to our house and because one of my new schoolmates was a member. Based on what comes next, I am quite sure no one recommended the troop to her.

The theme of the first meeting I attended was “personal grooming”, which meant the troop leaders spent an hour teaching us how to apply makeup, which shampoos were best for our hair, etc. I remember one of the leaders commenting to me how lucky I was to be a redhead because I wouldn’t go gray until I was well into middle-age. Not exactly something my ten-year-old brain spent a lot of time thinking about, but thanks for the heads-up, lady…

The weirdest and most personally distressing moment came when the troop leader brought out this new-fangled hair appliance…the hand-held hot air comb. Oh, how excited she was. Would any of us like to volunteer to try it? No? Well, how about the new girl? Yay. So I was marched into the church kitchen, had my hair wet down then back out to the meeting room for my style. My hair has always had just enough of a natural wave to be resistant to any styling attempts and the result was…bad. I was mortified not only by being singled out but by the Stepford-esque activities.

That was the first and last meeting I attended with that troop. I did eventually join another but by then I was in the throes of puberty and I think I only lasted through one camping trip and then quit because you know, I was too cool for it by then.

The.End.
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DID:

Thought I had the flu, then decided it was stress-induced.
Mowed the yard. (My favorite home-related task. Very meditative.)
Ate an entire bag of mochi, sent from an imaginary friend in Hawaii. (Thanks, Lo!)
Got a haircut that looked cute yesterday but is looking a little mullet-y this morning.
Cried a river of tears over Little Bro. (The dam finally broke.)
Worked on updating my will. (Who will get Jingles??!!)
Sat in the backyard and read a bit of THIS BOOK (thanks, CRANKY!)
Watched a bunch of classic Twilight Zone episodes online.
Lamented the yearly loss of daylight savings time. I hate early-dark evenings.

DIDN’T:

Get up on time to make my plane yesterday.
Go to Kentucky. My mom is holding up well, I think, and Mystery Bro. decided to go down for the funeral.
Attend S’s grandad’s 90th birthday party, although I’ve been getting good photo and verbal updates from S. all weekend.
Follow up on a good lead on a writing job.
Do much else.

FIXIN’ TO DO:

Take a shower.
De-mullet the new ‘do.
Go to the hardware store for rose fertilizer and edge clippers.
Drink a cup of coffee. (Down to one per day again, due to an ulcer flare-up.)
Go to Penney’s in search of cute, cheap sweaters.
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Spoke with my mom this morning – they will be disconnecting my aunt from life support today and she is expected to die within a few hours after that. I’ve made plans to fly to Kentucky to help out and attend the funeral. When I asked my mom if she needed me there, she choked up and said nothing, which made me feel like an idiot for even asking. So, up I go. Once the services are over, I will probably fly to Chicago and get my mom re-settled, then back to Austin.

There is lots of un-reportable news on Little Bro’s estate. Some major and tangentially stressful things went on yesterday that ultimately worked in our favor but it was a little hairy for a few hours. Lots of phone calls and strategizing with attorneys, etc. I promise that once I feel like it’s okay to fill you all in, I will.

I am in BAD need of a break from this shit but I’ll get it after this weekend… and especially the week after next,when Claudia arrives for her rescheduled visit. And Claudia, I hope you were serious about wanting to drink beer on my deck that weekend because at this rate, that may be all I’m capable of doing.
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America, meet your worst nightmare, courtesy of CLAUDIA and Dusty:

steve 002
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The caption reads, “The villagers, fearing the wrath of Hell-mo, make the ultimate sacrifice: the head of their warrior king, Jingles.”

steve 005
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Alas, Poor Jingles, I knew him, America.

steve 004
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First day back with charges went smoothly but yesterday the questions came out. Why did my brother smoke? Why didn’t he go to the doctor? Why did his heart stop? Why couldn’t the doctor make his heart start again? What if MY heart stops? Etc. In the course of this discussion, it occurred to me that the men in our family have a very poor track record of watching their health. My mom was all over Mystery Bro. this weekend – telling him to promise her he’d make a doctor appointment as soon as he got home. I doubt he will.
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In further bad news, my beloved aunt (my mom’s sister-in-law) is dying – she’s had cancer for a couple of years but was holding her own until about a week ago. My cousin flew to Chicago last night and she and my mom are flying to Kentucky today to say their final goodbyes. Their original plan was to drive but I think Mystery Bro. was able to talk them out of that, thank God. I was worried that this might be too much for my mom but in some perverse way, I think this will be good for her. This aunt is the wife of her closest brother and I think they can comfort each other and help each other find their way through this. She says she’s going to stay down there until at least next week and is leaving her business open “for the time being”. I hope this means she may be willing to let it go. She only went back to work one day this week and it was almost too much for her. I know that the best way for her to let go of that place is to find out for herself that she can’t do it, but it hurts me to see her going through that process. Ugh.
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No burial plans for Little Bro. yet except that we’ll be burying him with my dad. So it’s probably a good thing that none of us has been able to bring ourselves to get a stone for my dad’s grave yet…we’ve all agreed on what we want to do but when we talk about it, no one wants to deal with it… Anyhow.
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And a wee lecture for you, America. I don’t care how old you are or whether you have kids or own real property or think you have nothing of value: WRITE A WILL. A legal will. Notarized. Give a copy to someone. Little Bro’s situation is complicated by many things but even the most straightforward of situations can lead to huge problems for your survivors. Protect what you have and those you love. Leave specific directives in a legal document. The. End.
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And glad to be here. S. picked me up at the airport and whisked me home, where I found he had cleaned everything and restocked groceries in my absence. He’s good like that. It may seem like a mundane thing to point out after all the other wonderful things he did for me and my family over the past week (like coordinating the food for Little Bro’s memorial), but it’s something that makes my homecoming less stressful and he knows that and well, he’s a good egg. To say the least.

Amongst the pile of bills, magazines, and other mail waiting for me were two packages from CLAUDIA. One contained a wonderful assortment of early birthday presents, not the least of which is a copy of THIS BOOK, which I will be tucking into this evening. Also in the package: movie monster bandaids, a truly hilarious t-shirt, THIS LIL FELLOW, some yummy chocolate and other treats.

The second package contained Jingles. Well, his head, anyway. And an Elmo doll altered to look like what I think of Elmo anyway. (Just hearing his nails-on-chalkboard voice makes me want to hit something- thankfully this incarnation can’t talk.) I’ll take a picture of it later today and post it forthwith. It’s too good not to share with the great unwashed of the internet and it will be a hard scenario to top. But I feel up to it. For now, enjoy this video I found, featuring a disturbin…er…poignant musical tribute to Jingles.

Let’s see, what else…today I’ll see the charges – they didn’t seem to have too many questions when their mom told them what’s happened. If I know them, they’re saving that for me. Which is fine.

Spoke with my mom last night…she is hurting so badly over this and I think the realization that she is going to have to shut her business is slowly sinking in, which is making this a gigantic loss for her. Her friends are planning to approach her with some work options – many of them are still working for the school district my mom worked for over most of her career and they’re finding options for her. I have also suggested to her that she could spend half her year in Texas, volunteering at either of the charges’ schools. It’s a delicate balance between pushing her in one direction or the other and trying to let her know that she does have options here. There was also some bad news yesterday about the health of one of my aunts (her sister-in-law) and I think it’s all just too much for her. I have never wished I could be in two places at once more than I do right now.

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Actual words played by Mystery Bro’s wife in last night’s Scrabble game:

hygen (hygiene)
nat (gnat – she actually challenged our challenge on this one)

Number of kids who quit game when she was caught cheating (and said, when caught, “I may not know how to play, but I know how to win!”): two. Including 9-yr-old G., who shook his head and told her, “If you cheat, it’s not a real win. Even I know that.”

Stupid is as stupid does. Gah. They are leaving today and while she has been helpful in a chambermaid sort of way, I will be glad to be rid of her incessant babbling. I am also slightly miffed at MB over a conversation we had yesterday but after I thought about it for a bit, I realized that his words conveyed his fear and lack of knowledge more than anything else and I’m over it.

I dread leaving my mom tomorrow but I am ready to be out of this situation and back into my own life for a while.
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This may, in fact, be the worst listing ever.

Profile ID: xxxxxx
Title: Local Consignment Store
Project ID: xxxxxx

Category: Writing, Editing & Translation
Description:
Finders Keepers Consignment is a locally owned and operated family business. By offering customer consignment, potential customers have two ways to shop with our company. Our business also provides community support by reselling locally owned merchandise at low prices and by offering a way for people to resell their gently used items in order to earn a profit. Due to the current economic climate, the small population and location of my business, Finders Keepers Consignment has prospered and gained momentum since opening to the public in January 2009.
The idea for opening the consignment store was born out of three problems I myself was facing. First, by being a stay-at-home mom of two children and my husband being the sole paycheck earner, money was and is tight. I knew that by having a yard sale, people would expect yard sales prices for items which were still in very good shape and that I had paid top dollar for. A yard sale typically lasts for 2 to 3 days; then you are still stuck with the merchandise that didn’t sell. So I had all of this stuff that I had no place to store, did not fit and/or toys my children no longer played with. Also, with holidays and birthdays and the children consistently out-growing their clothing, I knew that I would accumulate more “stuff” as the years pasted by. I talked with other mom’s around our town and was reassured that I was not the only family with this problem.
Second, at the time I was contemplating opening my store, the price of gas was at $4 dollars with the threat of rising even higher. The location of the consignment store is located off the main 82 highway and the town of Gordo is located between the cities of Northport/Tuscaloosa in Tuscaloosa County and the slightly larger towns of Reform and Carrollton in Pickens County. I also receive customers from the smaller community towns between Northport and Gordo such as Echola and Coker. Due to the highway being the main road traveled through the two counties and also between the two states of Alabama and Mississippi, I also receive customers traveling through the state. With all of this traffic, I am never at a loss for potential sales despite only being open for three days a week. Since the price of gas was at that time surging, I knew that I could offer a local business that offered quality merchandise to buy and also save customers travel time, gas mileage and money and save almost 60% to 70% on items by buying used. I also pride myself with offering one-on-one customer service, short lines at check-out and by getting to know each customer personally; which are not offered in the larger department and chain stores in the larger cities.
Third, and lastly, the problem that I need to address is the inability to offer employment. With all of my personal money and profit going to store supplies, I am as of yet unable to provide myself with a paycheck or hire new employees. Gordo has a very high unemployment rate because of the lack of open job positions available. If you are not a student at the Gordo schools or work at the local Peco Center, then you commute to a part-time or full-time job to Northport or Tuscaloosa in Tuscaloosa County or drive an hour to Columbus, Mississippi. The car commute to Northport and Tuscaloosa is anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour, one way, anywhere from 5 to 7 days a week depending on your job. If I could expand my business and hire two more employees, my business would have the necessary employee power to grow. I would be able to take in more merchandise and price the merchandise at a faster rate; therefore offering more merchandise for resale to give the consignors, my employees and myself a profit. As of now, only my consignors and my credit card are earning a profit.
When people walk into my store, I have designed my business to reflect an at-home feeling. I want customers to feel comfortable browsing through the store. I have a room designated for clothing sizes 2T Toddler (boys/girls) up to sizes 3XLarge in Men and Ladies clothing as well as size infant to adult shoes size 13. I offer jewelry, Ladies and children’s purses, hats, socks, belts, adult and children books, kitchen items, fabrics, knick-knacks, home-décor, movies and music. I also have furniture for sale but I do not have a local place to display the large items. Due to the diverse catalog of the consigned items, I believe that I have something for everyone but I am unable to display all merchandise for easy customer browsing. I believe I have a solution.
On Main Street, in Gordo, there are three lots on each side of the street. With a business grant, I could buy three lots on one side of the street and incorporate them into a huge two story consignment center. Each of the buildings would be connected with a centralized walkway throughout; but each building would house a specific merchandise décor. For example, one building could house infant clothing, toys and nursery bedding and furniture. Another building would have teen and adult clothing, shoes and accessories. The last building lot would have 2T Toddler to Tween boy/girl clothing sizes, shoes, accessories, books and toys. Upstairs would be for larger pieces of furniture, art and house wares. I want the customer to walk downstairs and upstairs and feel like they are walking into someone’s home. If a customer sees items in a “home” setting, the customer is more likely to picture the item in their own home and make a purchase. The last upstairs space would be for storage of unpriced clothing and unpriced house items as well as a large work, cleaning and pricing area.
I also have the plan to set up a large rotating belt from the outside back-lot at ground level so that customers could drive around to the back, unload their furniture, boxes and bags of consignment items onto the belt. The belt would move in a circular pattern, like on a treadmill, and lead from the ground up to a roll-top door located on the second-floor of the storage/work area. That way, with the flip of a switch, the merchandise would slowly, steadily and safely be moved up to the second floor and be transferred easily into the storage space until the items could be priced. The customer and the employee’s backs are protected from carrying the merchandise from their car to our upstairs storage. Plus, the customer’s currently shopping inside the store would not be disturbed by the incoming unpriced merchandise.
The new location would still be a plus due to Main Street connecting to Hwy 82 by the only red light in the town of Gordo. For advertising, I could put up a billboard on Hwy 82 and direct potential customers down Main Street and help bring Main Street alive again. Our town needs a breath of fresh air in our business district and I believe that by relocating and expanding my business, Finders Keepers Consignment could be that fresh breath.
I also have to address the need for better store security. Due to the tight enclosed area I currently work out of, several items have been stolen. Not only am I losing a potential sale and profit; but the item’s consignor has lost his or her profit as well. A business grant would help me with store security by providing camera’s for deterrence and more eyes with the new employees for real time customer viewing.
In conclusion, a business grant would help expand my business by relocating to a larger area, hire new employees, provide designated rooms for merchandise with open floor space and offer a new upstairs storage space and work area with the moveable belt which will provide safety for employees and consignors. Finders Keepers Consignment would be able to price more merchandise and price items faster in order to get the items out on the floor for resale. A business grant would also provide a way to advertise with a larger store sign, highway billboards and utilize our local newspaper. With a business grant, I could offer a more productive and user friendly store atmosphere for customer shopping and continue to build one-on-one personal relationships with my customers. A new larger, more diversified store location and larger merchandise areas would benefit Gordo’s neighboring towns and state, Pickens County, my community, my consignors, my customers and my family.
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As I read this, it struck me that this “proposal” is the Gooroo equivalent of having some lunatic sit next to you on a long, long bus ride. Can you imagine what this person’s friends and family go through on a daily basis? Oh, the horror.
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