Happy ‘Ought-and-Nine To You All.

I don’t have any philosophical year-end wrap up except to say that 2008 was an exceptionally rough year for a lot of people I love and my greatest wish is that 2009 treats all of us a little bit more kindly.

Tonight, S. and I will stay home and exchange our Christmas gifts (we were in different cities for the holiday this year), eat some snacks and possibly stay up late enough to see in the new year.  Tomorrow night we are meeting THE BEES for a screening of  The Big Lebowski at the ALAMO.  I can think of no better way to ring in the new than with a dose of the Dude.

Happy New Year, everyone!

I do too have friends, shut up!

Lots to report on from the trip northward but I want to be sure to thank HARRIET and JULIA for trekking out to the Western suburbs yesterday for a meet-up.  Julia and I met a few years ago but Harriet and I have been unsuccessful (my fault) until this year.  Be nice to them, America – they are both very tall.  Tall and smart and funny and lovely.

As usual, I was afraid I was talking too much, too fast and not making sense (because that’s what I do when I am around new people).  But as Harriet pointed out on her page, bacon was ‘et, laughs were had and after lunch we decamped to my sister’s house for coffee.   I think H and J will confirm that I have not exaggerated the height and heft of my sister’s kids – or their ability to charm.  The two youngest serenaded us with “Livin on a Prayer”, which prompted a conversation during which H. J., my sister and I  invented the next big video/music game and will be millionaires by this time next year.  Millionaires, America!  I kid you not!

My sister knows I have a blog but doesn’t read it so I had to fudge a bit about how I knew H and J.   (I told her we all used to work together…somewhere.)  I am a terrible liar and as soon as they had left, the sister said, “So…were those internet people?”.  Yes, I said.  “They’re really cool”, said the sister and thankfully, she didn’t press any further.

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At Christmas dinner, my mom dropped this bombshell:  “I’m putting the business on the market in January.”  Okay!  One stressful conversation avoided.  Immediately thereafter, she said, “And then I’m moving into a retirement home.”  Right, Mom.  She is going to sell her house and try to find something smaller, which I think is a good idea.  Anyhow, it was a relief to all of us to know that she made that decision on her own and (selfishly), that none of us had to talk to her about our concerns.  Now, whether she follows through on this plan is another thing entirely but something tells me she will.  So, who wants to buy a successful private school/daycare center with an international clientele in the far west suburbs of Chicago?  Buehler?  Anyone?

The rest of my time in the hinterlands was fairly uneventful.  My nephew and I had our movie date – we saw “Bedtime Stories” which was pretty bad (if a 10-year-old is groaning at the stupidity of the plot lines in a movie aimed at his age group, you know it’s bad).  It was really nice to get some one-on-one time with him, though.  My eldest niece and her boyfriend came through town on their way to Los Angeles, Mystery Bro and wife made a brief appearance and I even got to see my older nephew, who takes after his grandpa in his loathing of travel.

That particular nephew drove to Chicago with his sister and her b.f. and apparently at some point in the drive he looked out the car window and said, “Look! A PENNYFARTHING!  Oh no, it’s just a bike.”  So the rest of Christmas night was spent in making jokes about pennyfarthings, mostly done in bad British accents by my nephew Tate and me.  Oh, we’re a hilarious family, America.  You wish you could be one of us, don’t you?

I don’t have a picture to share yet, but this year marked the return of the TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA angel to the top of my mom’s Christmas tree.  The provenance of this item is too convoluted to go into here, but suffice it to say that it was designed by my mom, who still finds it particularly amusing except when she has to explain it to her friends.  My mom likes to try to blame her kids’ smartassed-ness on our dad but we know better…

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I guess this off the cuff mess is all you get for now…I am fatigued and stinky and am off for a shower.

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Brief holiday recap.

1.  It is effin’ cold up here.

2.  Seen on the highway on the drive between O’Hare and the Western ‘burbs:  two multi-car pileups, one car that had hit a snowbank and flipped upside down, another that had skidded and came to a stop facing the wrong way.  Then WE hit a snowbank and thanks to my brother in law’s good driving skills there was no damage to car or humans.

3.  If my younger brother turns up dead, it will be because his older siblings killed him.

4.  Do you need someone to sing “Livin’ On A Prayer” at your next holiday get-together?  My nephew and I are available.  The oldest nephew got Rock Band II and there was much rocking in that house today.  The game is surprisingly fun for “fake” music,  although listening to my 7-year-old niece sing “Psycho Killer” with her brothers was a little weird, even for my family.

5.   Can someone tell Mystery Bro’s wife to shut the hell up?  Please?  Highlights of her drunken rambling last night included her telling my sister and me, “I know you guys think I’m stupid and I am but it’s because of the way I was raised.”  Having met her family at the wedding, I tend to think that might be the case.  But it doesn’t make her any less annoying.

I am quite sure there will be more to write about in the coming days.  Hope you are all having a peaceful weekend.

Calling all writers!

I had to come back to post this, which may be the most f***d up Gooroo project notification, ever.  As HARRIET and a few others can attest to, that’s saying something.  (Second post today, click back one for random holiday memories and other stuff.)

Profile ID: XXXXX
Title: G@me Wurm
Project ID: XXXXX

Category: Writing / Editing / Translation
Description:
this project needs funding to expand an existing business

hello

As you can see im not a good writer me and my fiance have been working on a few projects some for-profit and some non-profit we have a web based business it’s e bay we sell video games you know the gaming market is always booming
we came up with an idea that separates us from the other gaming sites we started A site called gamewurm we own the domain name and just started the site there is some text on the site but it is not finished we will provide video game repair services for all gaming consoles and products
it is sort of like netflix we provide free shipping  for the customers items this is a brief on what my business does you can checkout my store also on e bay it is game wurm go to where it says stores and put game a space and then wurm with a “u” i need a grant proposal for the funding of my business this is the main business our non-profit organization is called s.j.d.forever and a.f.t.c are both non-profit sjd stands for (serving jesus daily forever).f.t.c stands for(all for the children) we are looking to expand our business nationwide our goal is to have a chain of stores and our on line repair worldwide i know it is possible anything you put your mind and heart too can be accomplished i have 16 yrs of experience in this particular field and i know i can make it work the only thing missing is the proposal and the funds i want to help the economy to create more jobs decrease unemployment it’s good to open up new ideas for the country to open up new jobs and with my business there is no limit to how many jobs we can open. and how the services can help people save money on repairing there games instead of going to buy a new game or console so they can spend more money on their family or save for their family.

Sundry.

Yesterday:

Younger Charge: Laura, today we went to that place where you pick out new shoes.
Me: The shoe store?
YC: Yes. And guess what, they had a Spiderman room and guess what we saw in there?
Me: What, W?
YC: (grabs my hand excitedly) A bacuum cleaner! A black bacuum cleaner!
Me: Whoa!
YC: (as if he still can’t believe it) It was black!
Me: Did you get new shoes?
YC: I don’t remember.
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Drivers of Austin, I beg of you…learn to merge. This has bugged me since I moved down here – people will signal their merge say, into a left turn lane. Left turn lanes are long down here. Do people merge into them smoothly? No. They signal, put on the brakes (thus slowing down an entire lane of thru traffic), wait until they are almost at the intersection, then jerk their cars over into the turn lane. In the words of older charge:  STOP IT. YOU ARE BUGGING ME.
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Christmas excitement is running high at the charges’  home – we have spent at least part of every afternoon for the past two weeks admiring their tree and the growing pile of presents underneath it.  Last week, we were singing Christmas songs and during ‘Jingle Bells’, I busted out with the classic “Batman smells” version. Why? Because I like to think of myself not only as their nanny, but also the bad-influence older sister they don’t have.  It works for all of us.  And by “all of us”, I mean me.

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Lass’  Childhood Holiday Memories:

• Every Christmas morning, we had to wait until my mom had a cup of coffee and my dad smoked a cig before we could go downstairs and look at our gifts. (When I tell people this, my mom says, “That makes us sound like white trash.”) So in the interest of not offending my mom should she ever read this, I will tell you that this happened in our beautifully appointed, upper-middle class suburban split-level home.

• The best gift I ever received was a functional, kid-sized typewriter from my parents  when I was around 7 or 8. On it were produced many stories, a neighborhood newspaper created by my friend Cindy Lee and me ( wish I still had those…) and various other writing projects.  Runner up:  the Easy-Bake Oven, which I think is in a box in my mom’s basement.  Maybe I’ll get it out this year and make some of those delicious, cooked-with-a-light-bulb chalky cakes I remember so fondly.  Look how scary those things were:

• My dad’s stepmother, who I only met once and with whom he had virtually no relationship, used to send my sister and I matching outfits every year.  They were always dresses, usually pink and made from itchy polyester fabrics.  One year, she sent us matching PETTIPANTS, which, while they held some Little House on the Prairie appeal for me, so offended my sister with their old-fashionedness that she walked into the kitchen and threw them in the trash.  My sister and I were both Southern California tomboys – the only time I remember wearing dresses was for church, weddings or the occasional ballet evening (our babysitter danced with the LA ballet and would take us to shows).  Opening those gifts was always a source of family hilarity – my mom, thankfully, only required that we send a thank you note and most of them went straight into the Goodwill pile.  I realize this all  sounds snotty and ungrateful, but this woman made my dad and his sister’s lives a living hell after their mother died and I don’t feel any real need to remember her fondly.

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That’s all I have for you today, internet.  I am still debating whether or not to lug the laptop to Chi-town, so I am not sure when or if I will be updating.  Happy Whatever Holiday You Are Celebrating to you and yours!

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Stuff.

First off, kudos to MIKE WILSON for being possibly the stupidest person on the planet.  I like that he congratulates whoever was seated in the exit row on their quick action…and it’s a good thing he wasn’t sitting there or there could have been a worse outcome.  “Dude, I know the plane is on fire but I can’t open the emergency door until I finish this tweet!”  Oh, don’t get me wrong, America, I love me some internet but I can’t imagine that in the wake of a plane crash, prior to exiting the burning plane, I would whip out my laptop to update you all.   Or complain that the airline won’t give me a free vodka-tonic before investigators get a chance to talk to me.  A tip of the dunce cap to you, Mr. Wilson.

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Because my mood this morning is somewhere between dire and psychotic, I will spare you any further thoughts and provide you with this roundup of holiday tunes:

THIS STUPID SONG has always pissed me off.  No, they don’t know it’s Christmas because about 70% of the country doesn’t celebrate Christmas, you twats.  (Points to Bono for managing to look even more idiotic than usual with the mullet.)

Despite the fact that it features Yoko’s shrieking, I have always liked THIS ONE.

And I will even admit to liking this repetitive SPANGLISH HOLIDAY CLASSIC. Go ahead, mock. I don’t care what you say, it’s catchy.

My personal favorite holiday song is THIS JAUNTY LITTLE DITTY by the Handsome Family.

But hands down, the best, most surreal holiday musical vignette out there is this one, featuring Claudia’s boyfriend in awkward, badly-written dialogue with Bing Crosby, followed by awkward, ill-rehearsed singing. Enjoy.

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Tell me why you cried.

I’ll tell you why I’m crying.    Because I will be shortly be leaving THIS WEATHER for THIS WEATHER.  I am already advocating for Xmas in Texas ‘09 and if the family doesn’t get on board, well, then it will be a quiet holiday next year. (Also – 80 degrees yesterday and 40 today – what the f., Mother Nature? Not nice!)

A friend in Dallas gifted S. and me with this incredible wreath:

We got her a book of 1950’s-era holiday projects last year and apparently she has gone krazy for the krafts.  The note she included with the wreath said, “Aren’t you sorry you bought me that book?”.  No, I am not.  In fact, I am glad because this is just the kind of kitschy stuff (Foil!  Retro elfin folk!) that makes me very, very happy.  It has officially surpassed our Linus’- blanket-bedecked mini tree as the best decoration in the house.

I couldn’t sleep last night and ended up watching IN THE BEDROOM, a movie I missed when it was out a few years ago.  It was depressing and sad but better than the three hours of  Law & Order reruns which were my only other viewing choice.  I finally went to bed around 4am, only to be awakened by the sound of something loud and buzzy caught in our window air conditioner.  It was a drowsy wasp that eventually made its way into the house, which meant I had to get up and kill it with my mighty slipper of death.  That, in turn, woke up the cats, who proceeded to run races through the house for the next hour, which means I averaged about two hours of sleep last night.

S. and  I have been debating various living situations and I have to tell you, America, that I am so wishy-washy about everything right now…it’s maddening.  There are times when I look around our nice but somewhat rustic rental and think, “Why are we living like this?”.  Other times, I like it and am glad that we’re able to have such a big place for such a small amount of money.  I like the freedom of non-homeownership – we could pack up and move anywhere, any time we like.  But I also obsessively check out house listings and think that we should buy soon if only because prices and interest rates are so low.    Blah.

I am also feeling very uninspired in my writing projects – I have a half-finished bio. of my Dad that his alma mater wants to print “sometime next year”.  I’m not sure why I can’t bring myself to finish it – perhaps because it will seem like another loss.  The really big project has stalled until after the holidays and I am generally feeling like I have wasted the past twelve months chasing clouds.  I should be thankful to be in a position where I can work as little as I do and write as much as I’ve been able to, but I don’t.

Perhaps I will take myself out to breakfast this morning.  S. is out of town and I think I need to get out of my own head for a bit or this day will proceed downward from this already-low point.

Haulidays.

Spent most of the morning going through our shed, working as quickly as I could and trying hard not to be completely nauseated by the alarming quantities of mouse droppings and cockroaches therein. I managed to throw out quite a bit, rediscovered a box of my favorite vintage clothes – most of which either fit me again or are too big, thanks to the weight loss- and generally tidied it up.   I also raked up a few more bags of leaves but left most of them in the yard when I realized that we won’t have garbage pickup this week.

America, some words of advice:  Don’t tug on Superman’s cape, don’t spit into the wind, don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger and you don’t mess around with CLAUDIA FRESHHELL OF SCRIBBLETOWN.  A few months ago, I jokingly gifted her with this creepy monkey, bafflingly named ‘Baby Jingles’:

Jingles returned to me this week, in this form:  (poor-quality photo – essentially, his head has been chopped off and is now bursting forth from his stomach, while a crowd of bloody Peeps looks on…)

I am officially terrified of you now, Claudia.  But that won’t stop me from returning our dear little Jingles to you…some day…in some other form…when you least expect it.

In other gift news, today I received a lovely gift from HARRIET, which included a windup gorilla holding a banana, a CD and this useful item:

I may take them with me tomorrow when I fight the  holiday crowds in search of a few straggly gifts – get in my way, take a flying monkey to the head.

This was pretty widely posted today…

…but for those of you who missed it and would like a chance to nail Geo. Bush in the face with a shoe, prithee go and play SOCK AND AWE.

Some people give me the creeps.

Truthfully, MOST people give me the creeps. Including myself.
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How creeped out have I been to see hits on my blog stats from the H@lliburt0n Company? Very. But not as badly as I am by the hits from whoever keeps getting here by G@@gling “very young girls”…
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Speaking of which…how stupid is DREW PETERSON’S NEW FIANCEE? If you want a marriage that includes your inevitable demise at the hands of your skeevy husband, (who is still, despite your engagement, married to his missing wife), well, rock on, stupid young lady.
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And because it fits with today’s theme, here, have this video of an overly-tanned Paul Anka singing Smells Like Teen Spirit:

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