From the mouths of babes. Well, four-year-olds.

Specifically, younger charge, who is on quite the roll this week.

Me: W, how was your trip to the shore?
YC: Well, Grandmom lost PopPop – he is dead. And Nana died. And God is dead.
Me: God is dead?
YC: God is in Heaven, so he is dead.
Me: I’m pretty sure God isn’t dead. I think God lives in heaven. It’s part of his house.
YC: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(This kid is going to Vacation Bible School next week…glad this conversation occurred before that started…)

********

We went to the Childrens Museum yesterday morning and stopped for ice cream on the way home.
As soon as he got his cone, younger charge did what he always does and rubbed ice cream all over his lower face.

YC: Laura, look at my mustache and my beard!
Me: You look very distinguished!
OC: It’s just ice cream.
YC: I know. (Looks at his reflection in the tabletop napkin dispenser) I’m going to look really good when I grow a beard.

********
As we left the ice cream place and walked out into the blinding sun of our 44th hundred-degree-plus day, younger charge stopped in his tracks. I asked him what was wrong and he answered by shouting,
“I am SO SICK of this heat. It’s like we are living in a BOWL OF FIRE.”

*******

Ugh.

Hi, internet, I’m alive.

I landed in Austin on Sunday and was almost immediately in bed with a fever…then up and down with a fever for the past few days.

The rest of the trip was a blast and included a trip to Talbots with my sister and niece that was, according to one of the clerks who was helping us, “Like watching a great movie. You girls should be on TV.” Oh yes, we are a hilarious bunch, America. Envy that Talbot’s clerk. My sister spent most of her time bringing my niece and I the ugliest outfits she could find while we swore at her. That’s comedy.

Notable quotes:

“For a family as sarcastic as ours, we all seem to fall for each other’s bullshit a lot.” (This after Mystery Bro. had almost convinced my sister’s eldest that he was giving up his lucrative career to work as a nurse.)

“We should all move to California!”

“If we all move to Cali, we’ll hate each other in two weeks.”

“You should tell them, ‘I’m the Ferret Whisperer. Ferrets tell me things. Do you have a ferret? If you do, it is of utmost importance that I speak with your ferret.’ ” (My nephew’s response to his elder cousin’s question about how she should introduce herself to her clients when she starts her vet clinic rotations this fall.)

“I ate too much again.”

“I drank too much again.”

Among the meals cooked by my mom: spaghetti and homemade meatballs, chicken and dumplings, grilled salmon, steaks, hot dogs and burgers, homemade beef enchiladas, chicken enchiladas and flan…oh god. I didn’t even get on the scale today – I’m just putting myself back on Weight Watchers and hoping I can fit into the dress I bought to wear to a wedding in two weeks.

Back soon with a proper entry.

We are family.

_____
Phrases uttered by my mom during a cutthroat, 4-way game of Super Scrabble this evening:

“It’s part of my intimidation tactic.” (After shouting ‘I challenge’ to every word anyone put down)

“I am the Malcolm X of Scrabble – BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.” (After playing the gramma card and getting one of the nephews to concede a move that wasn’t entirely kosher).

“We really have a good family. Even the foreigners who’ve joined us have fit in nicely.” (Said while looking at my bro-in-law, who hails from the exotic and faraway land known as Hinsdale, IL)

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My eldest niece informed me tonight that she is planning a wedding ceremony for herself, complete with dress and party because, and I quote, “I am the only person I can stand to be around for long periods of time.” Related, much?

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Tomorrow: Mini golf and the Brookfield Zoo and the arrival of Mystery Bro.
Friday: Younger niece leaves, bbq at my sister’s house, possible trip downtown with eldest niece to visit the rock stars.
Saturday: Trip downtown so my mom can finally see Millennium Park and to see the Harry Potter exhibit at MSI.
Sunday: Back to Austin.
_________

I was going to include a description of the overly-chatty seatmate I suffered through on my flight this morning, but I think doing so would just make me want to scream, so…goodnight.
__________

Neglectful.

I know I still haven’t made a full post about S. and my fabulous driving trip home from the Chi, but guess what, internet? I’ll be on a plane at 7 am tomorrow for ANOTHER trip to Chicago. So, uh…see you later. Updates while on the road are doubtful but you can always dream, can’t you?

Hello?

Is this thing on??!!

I thought Jingles was the scariest thing these people could come up with…

Who wants a “You Might Be A Redneck Baby If…” doll? Claudia…Bueller…anyone?

Whoa!

Who knew so many people would enjoy receiving a random box of oddities? Due to high demand, the un-contest is now closed. I hope to get packages mailed prior to leaving town Wed., if not, look for them sometime next week.

The Un-Contest.

Who wants a lovingly-prepared Lass Grab Bag™?

In the course of my recent cleaning extravaganza, I have uncovered several odd, interesting, funny and disturbing items. Many of these items were, frankly, too good to suffer the same Goodwill fate as my old sandals, textbooks and other junk.

If you’re interested in receiving one of these fabulous grab bags, email me your address at theelass@gmail.com and I’ll get one in the mail to you asap.

Bad Teenage Poetry, Part the Second

——-

Untitled, by Young Lass.

Voices from my childhood
come back to me
as I cry softly
into my pillow
Over a friend I knew
long ago -
in a fairy tale world of
joy and love
and happiness
Now gone forever as
I get older each day.

——

Yes, that’s me, lamenting my lost childhood at the ripe old age of 14, folks. Ugh. Reading through some of my diaries and other writings has created a deep urge within me…an urge to go back in time and slap my teenage self silly. I know people who had real problems growing up…I, on the other hand, was traumatized by such things as being asked to do extra chores and having to share my mom’s old car with my sister instead of having my parents buy me a new one, like ALL MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!! Gah.

CLAUDIA has also been sharing some of her early writings. I think we should all dig deep into those file cabinets and shine a light on our teen angst. Share it, internet!

——-

Your government needs you!

—-
The Obama administration is apparently considering doing away with the COLOR-CODED TERROR ALERT SYSTEM. Currently, the code is as follows:

Green = Low
Blue = Guarded
Yellow = Elevated
Orange = High
Red = Severe

I propose we replace the colors with plastic-surgery-disfigured celebrities:

Melanie Griffith = Low

Donatella Versace = Guarded

Kenny Rogers = Elevated

Carrot Top = High

Courtney Love = Severe

So, how would you re-code the alert system? Scary monsters? (CONDITION: DUBYA!) Forgotten TV game show hosts? (CONDITION: RAYBURN!). Let me know.
—-

Lord of the Flies Lite

_________

I’m in the kitchen, conversing by phone with the charges’ mom. I suddenly realize a ruckus has kicked up in the other room, where the two older charges have been playing. I go in and find older charge lying face-up on the floor; younger charge is pressing down on older charge’s shoulders, his face inches from his brother’s saying “Give it to me. NOW. Give it to me. NOW.” over and over again. Younger charge is mad, older charge is giggling.

Me (to younger charge): W, what are you doing to poor T?
YC (brightly): I’m menacing him!
________

I am still trying to get my office pulled together, but I promise an update with pics soon.
Tally ho.
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